You know what’s wild? I spent years thinking I was stuck—convinced I just didn’t know what I wanted. But the truth? I did know. I just didn’t want to face what choosing myself would cost me.
I had built an entire life around not disrupting others. Around keeping the peace, being the fixer, making sure everyone else was okay—because stepping into what I wanted would mean breaking those unspoken contracts. The ones that said, “You stay small so we can stay comfortable.”
And I did. I stayed small. I stayed hidden. I told myself I was confused. I convinced myself I was just waiting for clarity. But clarity had been screaming in my face the whole time—I just didn’t want to hear it.
You already know. That line wrecked me. Because it’s true.
I knew I needed to stop saving everyone else and start saving myself.
I knew I needed to stop waiting for permission.
I knew I needed to stop making myself digestible to people who would never truly see me.
And now? I’m in free fall. I burned it all down. I am choosing the life I was always meant to have, and some days it feels fucking terrifying. But you know what feels worse? Going back.
So yeah. This post? It’s everything. And it’s a reminder I still needed today.
Oh mannnn! This is everything! I’m right there with you, well I’m stepping into this phase. It’s terrifying but feels so so exciting! Like what adventures await once I stop waiting for permission!! Thank you for sharing
Thanks for putting words to it. I’d add that discovering that I’m autistic and an INFJ have helped tremendously in finding what I actually NEED and WHY.
Oh Paige, I feel this so deeply! I’m also autistic—and discovering that truth about myself helped everything start to make sense. I processed it all by writing seven books (because, of course I did, right? 😅). I’ve sold exactly one copy of them—but honestly, it wasn’t about selling. It was about healing. There are so many ways to process and find what we truly need, and I’m just so glad we get to walk this road together.
Sending love from one INFJ-neurospicy soul to another 💛
Yes! I’m dealing with the part of me who is afraid and looking for a million reasons not to keep going, daily, multiple times a day. It’s a discussion not a fight and the fire in my heart is what keeps winning. My crystal clear vision and determination is what keeps me moving. If there is fear there is courage, if there is doubt it’s good news the ego is wanting to keep us safe and it means we’re doing something brave, something new. Thank you!!
Hi Lizzy, Thank you for sharing... I feel the polarity of the journey between fear and love are so explicit right now... Creating bigger crevices between the two and a further more exhausting journey. And yet this builds resilience. I truly feel it. We live in a world that functions as dopamine fix in order to numb feelings of fear and doubt, all induced from media, an overly connected world and access to information that our body and system cannot process. And then there is the choice, every second of every day, compassion. To me it seems the only choice, even when my heart aches with grief of my own stories or the world's, or when my anger rages, how could I have let this happen, how could others exert these crimes, and then compassion, for all the victims and perpetrators out there. We are all ONE. There is truly NO separation. With love xx
The less you rely on outcomes the less choice matters. Ultimately there is no choice. Ram Dass said if you feel you have to make a decision you’re standing in the wrong place.
“We are all called to keep [the] appointment with the inner life, and many of us never do. Fortunately, this invitation comes to us again and again.“ — James Hollis
Sometimes the system we fear disrupting isn’t just “them”. It’s the version of us we agreed to be, to keep belonging intact.
And the hardest part?
Realizing that no breakthrough will come from understanding more. It comes from choosing - in spite of fear, in the face of loss, with no guarantee of applause.
The Hardest part is overcoming the fear, or feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Life is so conventionalized it is so easy to confuse comfort, routine and being 'valued' by those we interact with as true fulfillment, scared that what we actually want will be judged. Such an important piece to read!
It’s a strange paradox that what resolves the fear is acknowledging it but choosing anyway. We see the fear is founded in its response to the unknown, and yet the unknown is where magic happens.
“if you make any choice that violates the sacredness of your being you’re not going to love yourself” touched my soul. i’m sure everyone would receive this differently
I came across this exactly when I needed to hear it! Very powerful thoughts thank you its helped me reflect on my journey and why i do the work I do ✨️
My favourite quotes were ‘If you make any choice that violates the sacredness of your being, you’re not going to love yourself.’ And ‘The anxiety and depression created from this are not because you’re broken, they’re because you’re not listening.’
It feels as if deep down I’ve known these things, but I’ve never been able to verbalise it. I’m never been able to pinpoint what it is, until now.
By minimising myself, I’ve done myself the biggest disservice of all. I’ve lived with this idea that my suffering comes from my family/the people around me not listening to me, not supporting me, not ‘allowing’ me to be myself, but though not easy, what I had to do was choose myself through all of this. Choose my own opinion and desires over theirs.
So thankyou for this article, I’m definitely going to come back to it so many times.
Damn. This hit me right in the gut.
You know what’s wild? I spent years thinking I was stuck—convinced I just didn’t know what I wanted. But the truth? I did know. I just didn’t want to face what choosing myself would cost me.
I had built an entire life around not disrupting others. Around keeping the peace, being the fixer, making sure everyone else was okay—because stepping into what I wanted would mean breaking those unspoken contracts. The ones that said, “You stay small so we can stay comfortable.”
And I did. I stayed small. I stayed hidden. I told myself I was confused. I convinced myself I was just waiting for clarity. But clarity had been screaming in my face the whole time—I just didn’t want to hear it.
You already know. That line wrecked me. Because it’s true.
I knew I needed to stop saving everyone else and start saving myself.
I knew I needed to stop waiting for permission.
I knew I needed to stop making myself digestible to people who would never truly see me.
And now? I’m in free fall. I burned it all down. I am choosing the life I was always meant to have, and some days it feels fucking terrifying. But you know what feels worse? Going back.
So yeah. This post? It’s everything. And it’s a reminder I still needed today.
🔥 Thank you for writing this.
Happy it found you when you needed it :)
Oh mannnn! This is everything! I’m right there with you, well I’m stepping into this phase. It’s terrifying but feels so so exciting! Like what adventures await once I stop waiting for permission!! Thank you for sharing
Exactly. The. Same.
Thanks for putting words to it. I’d add that discovering that I’m autistic and an INFJ have helped tremendously in finding what I actually NEED and WHY.
Oh Paige, I feel this so deeply! I’m also autistic—and discovering that truth about myself helped everything start to make sense. I processed it all by writing seven books (because, of course I did, right? 😅). I’ve sold exactly one copy of them—but honestly, it wasn’t about selling. It was about healing. There are so many ways to process and find what we truly need, and I’m just so glad we get to walk this road together.
Sending love from one INFJ-neurospicy soul to another 💛
Yes! I’m dealing with the part of me who is afraid and looking for a million reasons not to keep going, daily, multiple times a day. It’s a discussion not a fight and the fire in my heart is what keeps winning. My crystal clear vision and determination is what keeps me moving. If there is fear there is courage, if there is doubt it’s good news the ego is wanting to keep us safe and it means we’re doing something brave, something new. Thank you!!
I feel this SO intensely atm 🙏
Hi Lizzy, Thank you for sharing... I feel the polarity of the journey between fear and love are so explicit right now... Creating bigger crevices between the two and a further more exhausting journey. And yet this builds resilience. I truly feel it. We live in a world that functions as dopamine fix in order to numb feelings of fear and doubt, all induced from media, an overly connected world and access to information that our body and system cannot process. And then there is the choice, every second of every day, compassion. To me it seems the only choice, even when my heart aches with grief of my own stories or the world's, or when my anger rages, how could I have let this happen, how could others exert these crimes, and then compassion, for all the victims and perpetrators out there. We are all ONE. There is truly NO separation. With love xx
Yes, if there is fear (there is ALWAYS fear), there is courage
You are ultimately a collection of your choices.
Oh wow that hit! So glad this came into my email box, thank you Mark!
You’re so welcome!
The less you rely on outcomes the less choice matters. Ultimately there is no choice. Ram Dass said if you feel you have to make a decision you’re standing in the wrong place.
❤️
“We are all called to keep [the] appointment with the inner life, and many of us never do. Fortunately, this invitation comes to us again and again.“ — James Hollis
Great quote! Thanks for sharing!
And stop trying to “fix” yourself. That pursuit reinforces you’re broken.
^this
This hit like truth breaking the sound barrier.
Sometimes the system we fear disrupting isn’t just “them”. It’s the version of us we agreed to be, to keep belonging intact.
And the hardest part?
Realizing that no breakthrough will come from understanding more. It comes from choosing - in spite of fear, in the face of loss, with no guarantee of applause.
Freedom isn’t an idea. It’s a cut.
Thanks for wielding the blade, Mark.
The Hardest part is overcoming the fear, or feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Life is so conventionalized it is so easy to confuse comfort, routine and being 'valued' by those we interact with as true fulfillment, scared that what we actually want will be judged. Such an important piece to read!
It’s a strange paradox that what resolves the fear is acknowledging it but choosing anyway. We see the fear is founded in its response to the unknown, and yet the unknown is where magic happens.
" We can see that trying to find why you are the way you don’t want to be is preventing you from just being who and what you desire."
This called me out but I don't get it
The search for why you don’t just do what you desire to do is preventing you from doing it.
“if you make any choice that violates the sacredness of your being you’re not going to love yourself” touched my soul. i’m sure everyone would receive this differently
about to read this and i have a feeling this is going to call me out SOOO hard
Powerful. Thank you.
I came across this exactly when I needed to hear it! Very powerful thoughts thank you its helped me reflect on my journey and why i do the work I do ✨️
Oh my god, this was amazing.
My favourite quotes were ‘If you make any choice that violates the sacredness of your being, you’re not going to love yourself.’ And ‘The anxiety and depression created from this are not because you’re broken, they’re because you’re not listening.’
It feels as if deep down I’ve known these things, but I’ve never been able to verbalise it. I’m never been able to pinpoint what it is, until now.
By minimising myself, I’ve done myself the biggest disservice of all. I’ve lived with this idea that my suffering comes from my family/the people around me not listening to me, not supporting me, not ‘allowing’ me to be myself, but though not easy, what I had to do was choose myself through all of this. Choose my own opinion and desires over theirs.
So thankyou for this article, I’m definitely going to come back to it so many times.
That for fucks sake hit me like a truck
🔥🔥🔥🔥
God, that was motivating, thank you🙏❤️