You DO Need a Man

and he needs you.

“You don’t need no man” is bullshit. And listen, I’m not saying you need a man (or woman) to complete you, make you whole, or validate your worthiness…

But what I am saying is that in the desire to liberate women from oppressive and patriarchal relationship patterns, we have created generations of women terrified to depend on anyone… especially a man.

Look, not all men are reliable. Not all men are great. Not all men are blah blah blah… I get it! And you do too! I’m not saying anything no one knows… I’m just pointing to a statement that encompasses a movement that has created generations of men and women who are both lonely and can’t seem to find their way to one another because they’re terrified of losing themselves. (for good reason!)

And — let’s be clear: you shouldn’t try to rely on a man who’s unreliable because that’s a quick way to become crazy. And you shouldn’t depend on a man who weaponizes money and power. And you shouldn’t depend on a man who is toxic, abusive, narcissistic, psychopathic, and all the other things that are likely quite obvious.

In the desire to rescue women from oppression (very important) we forgot to have a bunch of adults sit down and have a conversation about how true relating requires leaning on one another.

We forgot to add more context to the statement because what we really should have said was:

“You don’t need a man to validate your worthiness. We are terrified that you will lose yourself in a relationship… That you will give up your autonomy to a man… That you will forego your dreams and passions and forget about you. We are especially scared that in the act of having children and staying at home, or even just deciding you want to depend on a man as a provider, that you will lose access to your voice and your autonomy. That because you didn’t have your own job or your own money, you may stay in abusive dynamics, or even just tolerate a man who doesn’t pull his own weight in relationship — you’ll stay, because you can’t leave… THAT, would break my heart for you because it broke my heart for myself and all the other women I saw that happen to.

BUT, don’t mistake any of this as meaning you shouldn’t open your heart to a man. There are really good men out there. There are men who want to have conversations about the unspoken power dynamics that providing can create. There are men who want you to have access to your voice and be able to express yourself. There are men who want to understand you… who are appreciative of all the things you have given up to care for the family, the home, and the kids.

So, just be wary. Make sure that you have strategies and discuss with your partner how to ensure BOTH of you have access to your voice, and that your needs and wants are heard and known. Previously, relationships often centred around the needs of the man… but truly healthy relationships don’t centre around one person, nor does either person lose themselves in order to sustain the relationship. The healthiest relationships encompass two whole individuals, and what they create together is a separate entity that requires nourishment, love, and the investment of time and energy.”

I have a lot of hope for our relational future… both marriage and partnership have the opportunity to truly flourish as we have never, in the history of humanity, had more focus on love, relationships, as well as access to the skillsets that build and foster connection.

The only way we heal the wounds of our relationship pasts is by coming together in unity and love. This is only made possible by letting go of what’s holding us back from opening our hearts… which is not synonymous with forgetting about what’s holding us back — it means integrating it into the ways in which we relate today.

Men and women need each other.

Let’s stop pretending it’s any other way… because we all know it.

It’s time we learned more deeply how to come together and live that truth.