Why virtue signallers killed authentic virtue

When you stand for everything, you're full of sh*t

There’s a saying that “If you stand for nothing, you fall for anything.”

I think they have it backwards. I think we’re in a time where what is more true, is that “If you stand for everything, you stand for nothing.”

I don’t know when it started…but I’m tired of the bullshit.

I see all these people posting about ALL THE THINGS they support… how virtuous and “good” they are. How much they LOVE everyone, and love and light and blah blah blah. How they wear masks and get boosters and support war, are against war, and my body my choice, unless it’s an experimental g̶e̶n̶e̶ t̶h̶e̶r̶a̶p̶y̶ vaccine.

So many people pulling the threads of virtue, extracting social status, putting up a white flag that says, “don’t come after me! I support *the current thing*.”

Look, I’m all for fighting for causes. I’m all for people using their voice to stand for what is important to them.

But what I’ve seen, especially in the wake of cancel culture, is that a lot of people are in a *fawn* response.

Terrified of being judged, shamed, attacked, villainized… or whatever else may come if you’re not PRO EVERYTHING.

Pro vaccine.

Pro trans rights.

Pro Ukraine.

Pro Pales… oh wait. Pro Isra… wait. That one got trickier, didn’t it?

(my point isn’t that you can’t be pro these things… it’s that the criticism of any of these ideologies, and not agreeing with EVERY aspect should be allowed. Let’s make nuance great again.)

When shame and fear cause us to support something we may not fully support, nor understand, we’ll become part of the mob that we’re afraid of. Why? Because we feel unconsciously ashamed that we sold our own values out. We folded, so you better fucking fold too.

Here’s the thing… this actually goes deeper into the human psyche than you might think… and you also might be thinking right now, “Eff you Mark. I am AUTHENTIC in my virtue.” Sure. You may be.

And, let me clarify — if you believe you’re not capable of being captured by an ideology, or ideologies, and that your virtuosity could never come from a place of manipulation… well, that’s exactly what’s makes you susceptible.

Your blindspot is the doorway.

Okay… back to the fawn response.

When we go into fear and/or feel an imminent threat (in this case, cancellation/fear of not belonging) — our nervous system goes into a sympathetic or parasympathetic response (aka, fight, flight, freeze, fawn). The fawn response is a people-pleasing response.

It’s playing small and getting small, to reduce how much we’re perceived as a threat. In dogs, this looks like rolling over and exposing their belly, and/or maybe peeing a bit. In humans, it looks like compliments, agreeableness, pleasing and appeasing, and prioritizing others over ourselves… and maybe peeing a littttle bit. (aka codependency. I co-wrote a book on it called Liberated Love.)

And while that’s great when we’re actually under threat, it can also be a huge block to authentic connection… and, the avoidance/fear of conflict on the outside of us, has us bury the conflict inside of us. (leading to inflammation, and things like autoimmune etc).

Humans are rewarded for signalling that we are virtuous and/or victims. The combination is called virtuous victim signalling.

There’s a great article written by

Cory Clark

where she explains it perfectly:

“Newly published research indicates that people who more frequently signal their victimhood (whether real, exaggerated, or false) are more likely to lie and cheat for material gain and denigrate others as a means to get ahead. Victimhood signalling is associated with numerous morally undesirable personality traits, such as narcissism, Machiavellianism (willingness to manipulate and exploit others for self-benefit), a sense of entitlement, and lower honesty and humility.

Scholars from the Immorality Lab at the University of British Columbia created a victim-signaling scale that measures how frequently people tell others of the disadvantages, challenges, and misfortunes they suffer. Those who scored higher on this victim-signalling scale were found to be more likely to virtue-signal—to outwardly display signs of virtuous moral character—while simultaneously placing less importance on their own moral identity. In other words, victim signalers were more interested in looking morally good but less interested in being morally good than those who less frequently signal their victimhood.

In one study, participants who scored higher on virtuous victim signalling (the combination of victim signalling and virtue signalling) were, on average, more likely to lie and cheat in a coin-flip task in order to earn a bonus payment. In another study, participants were asked to imagine a scenario involving a colleague (with whom they were in competition) in which “something felt off,” even though the colleague behaved in a genial manner. Highly virtuous victim signalers were more likely to interpret this ambiguous behaviour as discriminatory, and to make accusations about mistreatment from the colleague that were never described in the scenario.”

Oh man… let’s read that again:

“Participants who scored higher on virtuous victim signalling (the combination of victim signalling and virtue signalling) were, on average, more likely to lie and cheat in a coin-flip task in order to earn a bonus payment.”

Lying to manage the perception of themselves. More interested in looking good than being good.

This BS needs to be called out. I’ve witnessed its toxicity run rampant on social media for the last 10 years… and it’s in large part why people, especially younger people, are suffering from anxiety and depression at such alarming rates. WE ARE TERRIFIED TO BE OURSELVES.

What is the solution? Stop playing the fucking game. Share how you actually feel. Start to question why you believe what you believe… understand both sides. Get your own opinions and your own identity. Look for where you bend and break yourself to maintain membership to groups, family and community.

I know the pain of saying what you think you need to say versus what you want to actually say. I know the pain of self-censorship.

And I also know what it feels like to say NO MORE.

Our world needs dialogue now more than ever. It needs authenticity now more than ever. This is what amazing relationships, families, and communities are built upon.

Truth over feelings.

Realness over bullshit.

Let’s Fucking Go.