Why They Only Change When You Say "I'm Done"

Ever notice this BS?

You spend months—maybe years—asking for what you need in a relationship. You communicate. You explain. You plead. Nothing changes.

Then the moment you say "I'm done" and actually mean it…

Suddenly they're blowing up your phone. Suddenly they're making all the promises you've been begging to hear for years. Suddenly they're capable of the exact behaviour you've been asking for all along.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Recently someone asked me this exact question:

"Why do guys wait until you say I'm done before they actually show up? I've been in a very on and off relationship for three years, and I finally tried setting boundaries and said, I'm done with the back and forth. And now that I've stopped responding, he's blowing up my motherfucking phone, apologizing, saying all the things I've been mentioning, asking for in our relationship. And I'm terrified that it's just another back and forth effort on his part to keep us stuck. How do I know whether it's real?"

Let's talk about what's really happening here:

The Dance of Ambivalence

You're in a relationship with someone who's ambivalent. They're unsure. They're back and forth.

But here's the massive accountability moment: So are you.

If you're in a relationship with someone who's on and off, you're on and off, too.

This person could write me the exact same thing: "They finally shut down. Why do I now want them?"

Is this change they’re preaching about going to be sustained? Probably not, but it's possible.

Why? Because what's happening is a shift in the entire relational dynamic. For maybe the first time, you're not playing your usual role in this frustrating dance.

The Truth About Ambivalent People

When you're dating someone who's ambivalent, accommodating them and enabling them does not effin help.

Sticking around while they continue to not do what they say they'll do just makes you part of the pattern.

Somewhere along the line, you learned to tolerate someone who doesn't keep their word. You learned that it's normal to be in relationship with people like that.

But I want to ask you this:

Why would you ever be sure about someone who's unsure about you?

Do you notice that for people who distance more, they're more cautious about connection? But for people who are so certain—"Oh, I met the one," or "They're definitely my person," even when that person doesn't want to be in a relationship with them—there's a disconnect.

Your person is going to choose you back. Your person wants to be in a relationship with you.

Why They Suddenly Change When You're Done

So why do ambivalent people wait until you say you're done?

Because finally, you stood up for your ass.

You finally said, "I ain't fucking tolerating this shit."

People who are ambivalent and up and down — the moment you go "hell no," all of a sudden they're like, "Wait, what?!"

They've been waiting their whole life for someone to finally call their ass out. For someone to finally say, "I don't want any of this bullshit that you bring to relationship."

Now, is this going to wake them up? Are you going to wake up that person and get them to change?

That's not why you're doing it.

You're doing it because you no longer want to be in a relationship where you have to tolerate ambivalence.

What This Is Doing to Your Nervous System

Think about what ambivalence does to your nervous system:

Your nervous system is constantly asking: Are my relationships safe? Is this person reliable? If I needed them, would they be there for me?

If you're choosing to be in a relationship with someone who's uncertain about the story you're creating—and you want to have a family, a future, whatever—your nervous system is going, "Guess what? Let's deliver you some anxiety."

That's why you probably want to get addicted to sugar and TikTok and Instagram and everything else.

Your soul is saying, "This doesn't work." Your body is giving you anxiety because you're creating a future that doesn't align with the future you actually desire.

You Changed the Dance

When you set boundaries and say "I'm done with the back and forth," you're changing the dance.

And what does everyone do when you change the dance? They try to get you to get back to the old dance.

So they go, "Hey, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I didn't value you."

Sometimes this can be sincere. But you have to create clarity about what change actually looks like.

When you break up with someone or go through pauses and get back together (as a lot of people do), your system starts going, "I don't even trust you, the being in this body, to say that our body shouldn't be in relationship with people who are like that."

The Power of Your No

If you don't have access to your voice to say, "This is the direction that I want to go," or "This is not," then are your relationship choices truly sovereign choices? Are they truly embodied choices?

If you can't say “no” to the unavailable person, if you can't say “no” to the one-night stand, if you can't say “no” to the drink, then your “yes” is not a real “yes.”

Your “yes” is filled with small print.

Everything you're in relationship with that you feel you "have to be" in is causing you to lose connection to discernment—to being able to sense from your intuition when something is aligned and when it's not.

The Transformation

When you finally set a boundary and say, "I'm done going back and forth," something magical happens…

It says to your system, to the little person inside you: "I’ve got my back."

It says to the other person: "I don't tolerate bullshit."

And the other person goes, "I am bullshit. I need someone who doesn't tolerate bullshit to finally get me to grow up and use this bullshit as fertilizer."

Now, what often happens next is they go find somebody else who isn't going to call them forward like you did.

I've been that guy. I've been called forward and not changed. I've had women say to me, "Hey, you need to actually face some of the things that you're afraid of and confront them."

It hit me, but I was like "ahhhhhhh… cool" and moved on because I was still avoidant. I just went on to find people who hadn't caught on yet or whose wounds matched mine.

But the seed was planted. Sometimes we're not ready for the transformation that we're invited towards… and while that truth is tough when you’re on the other side of it… it doesn’t make it less true.

How Do You Know If It's Real?

So how do you know when their change is real? You don't.

But if someone says they're going to change, you've got to get very clear on what change means.

What does change look like? What does it feel like? What are the behaviours that you NEED to see? What are the standards and agreements you're holding in this relationship that you’ve compromised on previously?

Ask them: "What's changed? What’s your plan to implement these changes? What's different? For the last three years we've been doing this BS. I just don't want to do it anymore. What's different NOW?"

"Well, first off, you're not not tolerating my uncertainty."

"Okay, true. But why now? I don’t trust this change. You’ve said this time and time again. What's different for you? Why are you so hot and cold? Why are you unsure about the relationship? What do you got going on in your life? What are you learning about yourself?"

The Reality

When someone has that level of ambivalence, often it's because they're terrified of actually entering a relationship where they can be met… So they're controlling the closeness of the relationship with the push-and-pull and back-and-forth. (and they might just be afraid to hurt your feelings because of a lack of alignment)

Here’s a hard truth: If you’re in the dance with them, you're choosing to be.

Your wounds match.

And all you can do, is clean up your side of the street. If you change, the relationship dynamic changes…

When you finally acknowledge what you TRULY desire, and get real with what you’ve been tolerating and CHOOSING, you create a path to change, healing, and you create the version of you who is capable of holding love that meets you!

There's finally a YOU who has needs and wants and desires, and there's a THEM who is invited to confront their own feelings and behaviours.

The Liberation

When you say "I'm done with the old way," a new way has to be born.

And if they can't match the new way—a relationship that honours boundaries, voice, and no longer tolerates ambivalence—it forces them to either change or go bye-bye.

That's why it's liberating. It's liberating because your stand for yourself stands for love.

But you often think that love means staying together.

No. Love means “I got me, you got you.” And there's an opportunity for us to come together. But if you're not going to rise to meet the standard that love holds, I'm done.

Do you know how powerful that is? How hot is that?

If you're talking to someone and you do something that's not okay, and they say, "That's not okay"—unless you've got some deep shit that you haven't processed—you're like, "Damn, that's pretty sexy."

Because what it's saying is, "You don't have to take responsibility for my feelings. I got me. But I don't fucking tolerate your bullshit. I don't tolerate your immature bullshit. I'm an adult. I want to be in a relationship with an adult."

And we have to become adults to do that.

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Want to explore these patterns with a community of people who don't tolerate bullshit either? Join the Create The Love Community, where we tackle these exact challenges. My course, Dating 101, is in there and it will guide you to heal your tolerance for ambivalence and help heal your nervous system. Use code SUBSTACK at checkout for 50% off your first month here.