Relationships require compromise, right? I remember hearing this a lot growing up. And while I think it is true, what is not specified is the difference between compromise and self-abandonment. We have people throwing themselves under the bus in relationships, wondering why they feel sick, depleted, resentful, have auto-immune mysteries, and are exhausted, when all they’re doing is “compromising.” They’re winning a gold star in relational martyrdom because codependency and the sacrifice of self were rationalized through language that shames standing in one’s sovereignty, needs and desires.
This was me. After 7 years in relationship, I left myself high and dry at 40 years old starting all over again with nothing to show for everything I had poured into making a wonderful life for us. Out of guilt, I threw myself under the bus, agreed to sell our house for very little profit so my ex wouldn't be "stressed," I walked away from everything to keep things amicable at whatever cost, and am still recovering from all the losses 3 years later.
This was me giving and giving to the guy I was seeing and it was not enough for him to love me back. I started to feel resentful, and angry that he wasn’t seeing how good it could have been if only he tried to love me. I broke it off. We ended with a lot of bad exchanged words via email. He not once would confront me in person. So it was vengeful online. What a crappy way to end things virtually but maybe it was better that way.
I discovered you after listening to you on the Almost Adulting Podcast, Love is not enough episode wherein you introduced the concept of martyrdom and I had never considered this perspective. You may have just saved my marriage. Thank you.
what do you do when both the writing on what compromise and self abandonment feels like resonates with you in the situation you’re in?
i’m dating someone who doesn’t know what they want relationship wise but i am insecure and anxious. trying to go with the flow but the uncertainty is killing me
This was me. After 7 years in relationship, I left myself high and dry at 40 years old starting all over again with nothing to show for everything I had poured into making a wonderful life for us. Out of guilt, I threw myself under the bus, agreed to sell our house for very little profit so my ex wouldn't be "stressed," I walked away from everything to keep things amicable at whatever cost, and am still recovering from all the losses 3 years later.
Perfect timing to see this as I took a course last night on sustaining boundaries in long-term relationships.
Also, as a fellow writer - you're writing is so descriptive, so raw, and emotional. 🙌🏻🙌🏻
This was me giving and giving to the guy I was seeing and it was not enough for him to love me back. I started to feel resentful, and angry that he wasn’t seeing how good it could have been if only he tried to love me. I broke it off. We ended with a lot of bad exchanged words via email. He not once would confront me in person. So it was vengeful online. What a crappy way to end things virtually but maybe it was better that way.
So true! I was always exhausted and angry at my boyfriend. I was such a people pleaser and co-dependent.
Classes with Terri Cole and you helped. Still purging a lot fresh m my past. Learning to love myself and make me the priority
I discovered you after listening to you on the Almost Adulting Podcast, Love is not enough episode wherein you introduced the concept of martyrdom and I had never considered this perspective. You may have just saved my marriage. Thank you.
what do you do when both the writing on what compromise and self abandonment feels like resonates with you in the situation you’re in?
i’m dating someone who doesn’t know what they want relationship wise but i am insecure and anxious. trying to go with the flow but the uncertainty is killing me