Isn't this the universal question we are all asking always? I wonder if it's accurate to think of it as new, or as a consequence of recent disconnectedness. Though I agree with most of what you're saying. In my graduate program in Jungian psychology, I remember my professor addressing existential loneliness as when individual consciousness forms, so does separateness, and with it a loss of the oneness we had before consciousness (with our mother, the universe, God, matter, whatever you believe.) The idea was that there is inherent loneliness in being, and we spend our lives trying to put meaning on it, trying to assuage it by merging with others or looking for a relief to that feeling of individual-ness/separateness that is so painful. Nothing new-- as old as what it is to be human.
Lately I'm thinking a lot about this because my dad has moved into assisted care. The 100 ways he is disregarded in everyday interactions sometimes makes me full of rage for him (interestingly he is not at all full of rage.) Today, for example, his doctor kept talking to me instead of to him, explaining things to me as if my dad wasn't there. I in turn kept looping my dad back into the conversation to demonstrate for the doctor that he was a person, he can participate in the conversation and deserves to be included. Anyway, I think about this missing village all the time. I think that if I wasn't single, if instead I lived in a multi-generational home with some family members who were say, working on a farm maybe, or jarring jam perhaps, then my dad could be home and the conversations and the care that he needs wouldn't need to be outsourced. I can't pull that out of thin air though, I don't know how to make it, and I have to work to live, and I can't even afford the care he receives right now. But I'm longing for that village and it's not out of my own loneliness--it's bigger than even my own loneliness. Funnily enough, a thought I never expected to have, is that my dad in his assisted care home is IN the village. He's not lonely, he's surrounded by people and gossip and singing and human energy. I, living alone, am not. How strange is that? Anyway, the village you create. Thank you for your post-- your writing very often resonates with me.
One interesting thing about the quote on blame, is that blaming our parents is not only misplaced, it also distracts us from “blaming” the system we live in, and disempowers us to then diagnose and repair it. It shifts the responsibility to the individual instead of looking to collective action. I think it’s a lovely question to ask ourselves “how might we create a village?”
Here’s some ideas I’ve thought about, curious to hear others!
- Reduce car dependence, invest in public transportation, and create more walkable communities. In America and Canada most of us live in towns and cities designed for cars. Lots of people driving alone from point A to point B, and doing daily tasks transactionally. Not only does it create more alone time, it excludes anyone who can’t drive from easily participating (kids, elderly, disabled, low-income people who can’t afford it, anyone who’s legally been denied a driver’s license).
- Make your live, work, shop “triangle” small. This is why walkable communities are appealing. The larger the separation between where you live, work, and shop, the easier it is to feel disconnected. Research has shown that making this triangle small is a key factor in creating that sense of contentment and belonging. Urban sprawl is the enemy of this. Get involved with projects at your local government level.
- Reimagine how we use space and buildings and create spaces for community. Here’s a story example: in one town I lived in, we had a sleepy indoor mall built back in the 80s that was hardly used. The public library decided to do renovations and in the meantime moved into that mall. They completely transformed how it was used. Tables were set up outside the library in that vast “middle space” of malls where bored husbands usually sit alone looking at their phones. It became a place where people came to play chess, have coffee and talk, sit and read, kids met tutors after school, etc. People who came to shop or just pick up a book would end up seeing someone they know and linger and talk. I think it was actually better than having the library separate in its own building.
- Make an agreement with a group of friends to be each other’s community! Anne Helen Peterson, a culture critic, has a great idea to actually fill out a form together that asks questions about what makes us feel cared for (like when I’m down or sick, come over and talk to me, or let me alone but bring me my favorite food). I’m starting to do this with a group of friends and we’re normalizing just asking for help. I got called out by this group this week for not asking for help 😂
- Look for opportunities to do daily chores with others. Find friends you can just run errands with sometimes. Create routines around it so you don’t have to think about it every time. I think a true village feeling means people are just “there” and you don’t have to repeat the effort to see people all the time.
- Some people buy homes or duplexes next to each other. They share backyards, their friends can come over and cover kids bath time any time that’s needed, etc. I love this idea and dream I can find friends and a partner to do this with.
- I also love the idea of creating shared “libraries” of things for the community, so everyone doesn’t have to buy it individually and you can do activities together. For example, a community tool shed and workspace. What if you could check out tools but also see what other things people are working on and learn from them? Or a bicycle library where kids could check out bikes and learn how to repair them? Anything that encourages intergenerational learning is super interesting.
Thank you for this post! It resonated so much it was spooky. I had literally had this exact conversation with a girlfriend the day before; you just articulated it better than I did! <3
Hi Mark,
Isn't this the universal question we are all asking always? I wonder if it's accurate to think of it as new, or as a consequence of recent disconnectedness. Though I agree with most of what you're saying. In my graduate program in Jungian psychology, I remember my professor addressing existential loneliness as when individual consciousness forms, so does separateness, and with it a loss of the oneness we had before consciousness (with our mother, the universe, God, matter, whatever you believe.) The idea was that there is inherent loneliness in being, and we spend our lives trying to put meaning on it, trying to assuage it by merging with others or looking for a relief to that feeling of individual-ness/separateness that is so painful. Nothing new-- as old as what it is to be human.
Lately I'm thinking a lot about this because my dad has moved into assisted care. The 100 ways he is disregarded in everyday interactions sometimes makes me full of rage for him (interestingly he is not at all full of rage.) Today, for example, his doctor kept talking to me instead of to him, explaining things to me as if my dad wasn't there. I in turn kept looping my dad back into the conversation to demonstrate for the doctor that he was a person, he can participate in the conversation and deserves to be included. Anyway, I think about this missing village all the time. I think that if I wasn't single, if instead I lived in a multi-generational home with some family members who were say, working on a farm maybe, or jarring jam perhaps, then my dad could be home and the conversations and the care that he needs wouldn't need to be outsourced. I can't pull that out of thin air though, I don't know how to make it, and I have to work to live, and I can't even afford the care he receives right now. But I'm longing for that village and it's not out of my own loneliness--it's bigger than even my own loneliness. Funnily enough, a thought I never expected to have, is that my dad in his assisted care home is IN the village. He's not lonely, he's surrounded by people and gossip and singing and human energy. I, living alone, am not. How strange is that? Anyway, the village you create. Thank you for your post-- your writing very often resonates with me.
One interesting thing about the quote on blame, is that blaming our parents is not only misplaced, it also distracts us from “blaming” the system we live in, and disempowers us to then diagnose and repair it. It shifts the responsibility to the individual instead of looking to collective action. I think it’s a lovely question to ask ourselves “how might we create a village?”
Here’s some ideas I’ve thought about, curious to hear others!
- Reduce car dependence, invest in public transportation, and create more walkable communities. In America and Canada most of us live in towns and cities designed for cars. Lots of people driving alone from point A to point B, and doing daily tasks transactionally. Not only does it create more alone time, it excludes anyone who can’t drive from easily participating (kids, elderly, disabled, low-income people who can’t afford it, anyone who’s legally been denied a driver’s license).
- Make your live, work, shop “triangle” small. This is why walkable communities are appealing. The larger the separation between where you live, work, and shop, the easier it is to feel disconnected. Research has shown that making this triangle small is a key factor in creating that sense of contentment and belonging. Urban sprawl is the enemy of this. Get involved with projects at your local government level.
- Reimagine how we use space and buildings and create spaces for community. Here’s a story example: in one town I lived in, we had a sleepy indoor mall built back in the 80s that was hardly used. The public library decided to do renovations and in the meantime moved into that mall. They completely transformed how it was used. Tables were set up outside the library in that vast “middle space” of malls where bored husbands usually sit alone looking at their phones. It became a place where people came to play chess, have coffee and talk, sit and read, kids met tutors after school, etc. People who came to shop or just pick up a book would end up seeing someone they know and linger and talk. I think it was actually better than having the library separate in its own building.
- Make an agreement with a group of friends to be each other’s community! Anne Helen Peterson, a culture critic, has a great idea to actually fill out a form together that asks questions about what makes us feel cared for (like when I’m down or sick, come over and talk to me, or let me alone but bring me my favorite food). I’m starting to do this with a group of friends and we’re normalizing just asking for help. I got called out by this group this week for not asking for help 😂
- Look for opportunities to do daily chores with others. Find friends you can just run errands with sometimes. Create routines around it so you don’t have to think about it every time. I think a true village feeling means people are just “there” and you don’t have to repeat the effort to see people all the time.
- Some people buy homes or duplexes next to each other. They share backyards, their friends can come over and cover kids bath time any time that’s needed, etc. I love this idea and dream I can find friends and a partner to do this with.
- I also love the idea of creating shared “libraries” of things for the community, so everyone doesn’t have to buy it individually and you can do activities together. For example, a community tool shed and workspace. What if you could check out tools but also see what other things people are working on and learn from them? Or a bicycle library where kids could check out bikes and learn how to repair them? Anything that encourages intergenerational learning is super interesting.
Thank you for this post! It resonated so much it was spooky. I had literally had this exact conversation with a girlfriend the day before; you just articulated it better than I did! <3