Why You Might Not Be Ready for the Man You Say You Want

I spend a lot of time in coffee shops. Maybe it’s an addiction thing. I don’t mean just to coffee. I mean to people. There’s no better place to watch the comings and goings of random strangers. To listen to consistently similar discussions despite the constant rotation of different asses in each seat. Different people, same subject.

Relationships. It’s why we’re here.

I was recently creeping on listening to a couple of girls talk about their love life and relationships. As most conversations about love and relationships do, it turned to a discussion about what their ideal partner would be like. He didn’t sound much different than what I normally hear from women. The seemingly ever elusive balance between the “nice guy” and the “asshole”.

Simply put, to me this is a man who is kind and compassionate but knows how to honour his boundaries. Who can communicate his emotions. An emotionally intelligent man who is driven in his purpose (has a career and doesn’t live with parents) and is compassionate, romantic, and kind. Let’s call him a Mature Man.

Let me ask you, though: Are you ready for him when he arrives? When you finally get him, will you be able to handle him?

Here are 6 ways a Mature Man will show up differently than any other man you have met before:

1. You will have to share the driver’s seat.

Doesn’t sound so bad, does it? When you’re used to being the emotional captain, it can be challenging to meet someone in the middle who can finally see things the way you do. There’s a comfort in knowing that the discussion won’t be beyond your scope of ability and understanding. A comfort you didn’t know you enjoyed till you no longer get to enjoy it. But it can be challenging when that title is shared, and sometimes this man might even be better at it than you. Which leads to my next point.

2. They will see things in a way that you may never have.

Their eyes are wide open. Their awareness allows them to share a male perspective in a way that you may never have been exposed to. They will offer opinions and ideas that are different than yours, and they will be the ones that bring up the “issues” first. This is an amazing quality in any beautiful relationship. However, when we’re not used to it because we’ve always been the ones steering the ship emotionally, it can be really intimidating.

3. They will challenge your shit.

Remember comfort zones and living small? Remember that guy that pissed on your dreams and constantly asked, ”Are you sure that’s a good idea? Have you thought that through?” You won’t anymore. An emotionally intelligent man is going to call you to your greatness. He will see your brilliance in moments where you can’t — That you are capable of achieving anything, and that he won’t settle for less than the best version of you. He will push you to dream. To live. And to grow.

4. You might not feel loved.

This man will love you without fail. He will believe in doing the little things. Not to earn your love, but to demonstrate it. He believes love is a verb. He knows that he is worthy of you. He is already full. He doesn’t need you. He wants you. Don’t mistake love for what a weak man does. They can fawn too much and chase you in a way that will make you want to run even faster. You know that feeling where you can get anything you want? Boring. A weak man can use words as weapons and try to make you feel small. They purchase affection with gifts. Because the man you see in front of you doesn’t need to do that — don’t mistake it as a lack of affection. It is self-worth and determination in action. He doesn’t need love. He is love.

5. You will love beyond what you’ve ever known.

This man loves without abandon. He’s worked through his shit. He’s not looking for a mommy to take care of him. He’s whole now. Because of that, he is ready to dive into vulnerability and meet you where you’ve never been. He will push you to love and grow with him, and he will expect the same in return. He will invite you to explore his and your sexuality. He will recognize when you need a caveman to ravish you and when you need to be held and loved gently… and if he doesn’t recognize it, he will hear and be open to your feedback. He will learn you.

6. Communication will be his greatest strength.

You will have conflicts. All great relationships do. He will not yell or swear at you. When he’s upset, he will take the time to communicate his fears and frustrations. He recognizes that even the most difficult conversations can be communicated with kindness. He will be open to your feedback and look for cues for his own growth. He will have difficult conversations and take the time to make sure that he understands you and that you, in turn, feel understood. Being clear is his priority.

Understand that this shit is scary. It’s rarely comfortable and always exciting.

These are not just the qualities of a great male partner, but more so, a great human. I’ve always been a firm believer that whatever you want to find in a partner, you need to exemplify those yourself. So in saying that, I invite you to explore who you’re being. How are you showing up to your relationships?

The greatest relationships take two whole people. Two people who don’t need each other. Better yet. They want each other.

They challenge each other to grow. To be better versions of even what they know themselves to be. To be reminded of how amazing they are when they might be losing hope or sight of their dreams. The best partners choose each other.

Their love is born of choice, not of necessity.

Choose to be with a man like this.

**(I originally wrote this in 2014 - and excited I get to share it on Substack today. Enjoy. Would love your thoughts in the comments.