When Wellness Becomes Toxic

On the line between optimizing and obsession

We think being obsessed with our partner can be romantic.

Or being obsessed with our purpose is admirable.

But just like there’s a line between worshipping those we love and becoming a stalker, there’s also a line where our commitment to our purpose destroys everything else in our lives… on our path to achieving “the thing,” everything else is cast aside or run right over.

This line can be elusive. And who am I to tell you where it lives?

I would say an Ironman triathlete has gone too far. But, I also would never run, swim, or bike that far even if I did those events individually.

And while I think someone like David Goggins is way out in the deep end of obsession, I actually have deep admiration for him. I believe his message is important — and his obsession with teaching people to stop wasting their lives is helping so many change their lives! He’s a BA motha f*cka. (IYKYK)

Let’s be honest:

The habits of outstanding performers are often much more structured and rigid than regular achievers… This isn’t shade to “normal” people… it’s that in the context of “normality,” exceptionalism looks a lot like unhealthy obsession… or vice versa.

BUT, there’s something interesting in the science that touches on this:

Psychologist Robert Vallerand's research on the "Dualistic Model of Passion" distinguishes between two forms of passion: harmonious passion and obsessive passion.

Simply put: A “harmonious passion” enriches your life without taking it over. An “obsessive passion” makes your well-being dependent on the pursuit itself. So the difference isn’t about how much you care about the pursuit, it's whether you can step away from it without feeling like you're losing yourself.

Essentially, a “harmonious passion” contributes to your wellbeing; you have balance in your relationship to it, and you can take a step back and have that feel good for you, not anxiety inducing. With an “obsessive passion” your relationship to it is so rigid that even the perceived benefits of the activity (like exercise), are not as great — likely due to the stress that is created by the rigidity in which we relate to it with.

Okay, hand up if this has been you? It’s definitely been me…🙋

And before we dive into that, there’s a little more data that is paramount to understand society as a whole… and also our own personal capability to lose our centre in the pursuit of things we’re passionate about.

Get this:

In studies of exercise, Vallerand found that people with a harmonious passion exercised because they genuinely enjoyed and valued it, could take rest days without guilt, and experienced greater well-being. Those with an obsessive passion felt compelled to exercise, struggled to stop, and were more likely to experience conflict, stress, and train through injury.

And holy moly… this:

He found a similar pattern among environmentalists: people with a harmonious passion were more likely to engage in consistent, constructive behaviours that supported environmental causes, while those with an obsessive passion were more likely to become consumed by the cause and express greater support for extreme measures, such as property destruction, illegal protests, or aggressive actions taken in the name of the cause. In both cases, harmonious passion led to healthier, more sustainable engagement, while obsessive passion often undermined the very goals people cared about most. ^1,2

What this all basically means is that commitment without grace and space for your humanness opens a door to your shadow, can hook into your identity, and cause you to not only source your worth from the endeavour, but also justify the potential harm of others in the name of its pursuit… This explains a lot in today’s world and the pursuit of different ideologies, doesn’t it?

While I think it’s wildly important to be committed to your dreams, your partnership, your children, and whatever else brings you alive, a commitment should never come at the cost of your wellbeing…

And any pursuit or person that you cannot say “no” to, you can’t really say “yes” to. Because a “yes” without authentic access to the word “no,” is not an embodied “yes.”

This isn’t about leaving everything behind that you feel compelled to choose, it’s about really recognizing that you’re choosing.

Much love.

Mark.

1 - Vallerand, R. J. (2015). The Psychology of Passion: A Dualistic Model. Oxford University Press.

2 - Gousse-Lessard, A.-S., Vallerand, R. J., Carbonneau, N., & Lafrenière, M.-A. K. (2013). The Role of Passion in Mainstream and Radical Behaviors: A Look at Environmental Activism. Journal of Environmental Psychology, 35, 18–29.