The Trap of Victim Culture

& dancing with narcissism

We live in a culture that empowers victims. What a beautiful thing, right?

When one has been held down by systems and structures it is the responsibility of the culture and reactive system to empower those who have not had a voice, and those who have been harmed.

But like with any response to one extreme, comes another.

And so I have been reflecting recently:

Where is the line between empowering those who have been victimized, and empowering victimization?

And in a world that celebrates victimology, what do we do when people exploit it?

It’s a slippery slope… and one that we don’t want to talk about.

Why? Because it’s filled with landmines and conversations about privilege and “do better” and all the ways in which we’ve shamed any dialogue or discourse surrounding subjects that impact feelings.

People are terrified of the oppressive victim who masquerades as powerless but wields their wounds like a tyrant.

We have been collectively fawning to the covertly narcissistic culture.

We have been holding back very real truths in an effort to minimize conflict, and also to attempt to preserve some form of belonging and connection. But no relationship can thrive by prioritizing feelings over the truth.

No human system can become better and more inclusive when it doesn’t include uncomfortable truths.

The truth is love. Full stop.

As my good friend Africa Brooke shared in a recent interview I did with her: “We have been told to fight for the diversity of everything… except for thoughts.”

She so beautifully stated in her viral essay “Why I’m leaving the cult of wokeness”:

“A world that is conditioning you and I to believe that we will always be trapped in some weird hierarchy because of our race, our genitals, our physical abilities, our neurodiversity, our sexuality, and our politics.

​And that if we do not agree on every single thing, it's a sign that we are interacting with an enemy - or at the very least, someone to be wildly suspicious and judgmental of...instead of another complex human being worthy of being seen and heard.”

Recently I had a friend write a post about the value of small talk, to which someone commented below it about how the author’s post wasn’t, “neurodivergently-informed,” and how normies like the author couldn’t possibly understand the neurodivergent world with the privilege of a “normal” brain.

I read that and thought… WTF.

First off, not every post on the internet is for you. Secondly, I’m sorry to tell you that ninety-second videos and limited characters in social media posts can’t possibly accommodate every human experience… and somehow you are a victim of the lack of nuance because it doesn’t perfectly encompass your experience.

So much virtous-victim-signalling in one comment that I didn’t know how to process it.

What I read between the lines was, “I am special. I want you to know I’m special. You couldn’t possibly understand it because you’re not especially wounded like me. And I see all the other people who are special too and I’m going to advocate for them. Oh, and PS. I’m going to shame you for not seeing my specialness and speaking to my experience.”

The level of entitlement is truly appalling.

But here’s the thing… it’s not actually entitlement. If people can wave a flag and let others know they’re special and are victims, it likely takes the target off their backs. It’s actually fawning… and it’s what a lot of people unconsciously cling to so that they don’t become a target of the offended masses. Aka: “I’m like you. Please let me be.”

And look, this makes sense because there’s a lot of narcissism and trauma masquerading as a saviour complex throughout the internet. People recreate the trauma triangle wherever they go, always the victim and the saviour, yet never the perpetrator… despite causing harm, cancellations and all that, in the name of justice.

I think holding people accountable is important… but you can have accountability without annihilation. And you can also allow other people to see the world differently, and not make every difference into an ideological and moral hierarchy.

Not to get too political… but this is exactly why the Democrats lost, why people on the “left” deviated to the centre/right, and why people all over the world are tired of the manipulative use of presenting as “good” and morally superior… people are tired of being shamed and told they can’t think or feel any other way than the righteous-morally structured and narrow and intolerant viewpoints of those masquerading as the “tolerant” ones.

Blegh. The bullshit and inauthenticity is exhausting.

People are tired of not being allowed to express themselves, because if they do some sort of moral trope will be weaponized against them and they and their reputation will be hung in the town square… no judge or jury. Straight execution in the name of safety and goodness.

Communities and ideologies that threaten belonging in the face of compliance are not communities, they’re cults.

When we study history… where has this behaviour gone?

Now look, every “side” of every perspective has its extremes. In the goal of opposing the other, they become the same. And the scariest part, that makes people most susceptible to this, is the belief it’s not possible for them.

I say all of this because victimology cannot co-exist with true transformation.

One cannot create change on any level: personal, familial, communal, or cultural without taking full responsibility for their own behaviour and their own healing.

This truth does not negate the realities of people being the victim of anything… that is a false binary that leaves us in the trap of never being able to call people forward to integrate their pain and trauma.

To do this, people need to feel safe. And true safety is only created when all parts of a system are held with reverence and regard.

Differences are hard to integrate into relationships, however, they are the necessary medicine for humanity to evolve and grow. With difference and diversity, everything is made wiser.

I want to finish with one of my favourite quotes from Jonathan Haidt:

"Questioning is sacred, dissent is productive, if you start to debate you may discover something that transcends the binary. You may discover a third opinion, and it will inevitably be wiser than the first two."

What do you think? How do you think we hold the binary of honouring where harm has happened, and move forward as people in connection with one another?