The Problem With Cancel Culture

Before I get into the meat of this email, let me preface what I’m about to say by stating that the discussion of cancel culture and its toxic aspects is in no way denying the need to hold extreme racism, bigotry, misogyny, and all other forms of extremism and exploitation, etc. accountable.

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, let’s get to it.

“You can have accountability without annihilation."

I’ve been thinking about this statement so much since I first heard it. I think of cancel culture and how unforgiving it is. How it doesn’t allow for repair or change or transformation. It doesn’t create a space in our families, communities, and world—especially the social media world—to make mistakes. To be human. To say the wrong thing. To do the wrong thing. It’s not unlike what it feels like to grow up with a home that is unforgiving and expects perfection out of us.

Perfection is obviously unrealistic. As is living in a family/world that has us walking on eggshells.

To be a (young) person, growing up in a world that expects us all to be virtuous angels who agree about everything, say the right thing at all times, and support every aspect of every cause… is anxiety inducing (hence the terrifying amounts of anxiety in the world).

Cancel culture’s pathology has validity though. It’s a cultural movement that came out of a world that had little to no accountability for the exploitation of power— a power often living in the archetype of the unhinged and unintegrated masculine (what popular culture might call “toxic masculinity.”) And like every cultural wave that comes in to save us from one extreme, we usually take it to the other extreme. But can there be space to meet in the middle of the two? How do we hold people accountable while still allowing them to be human? To grow? To change? To become greater from their mistakes?

Lately, it feels as though when you challenge any sensitive cultural topic, you are instantly considered to be in opposition. We call viewpoints or conversations “dangerous” and say things like “words are violence” (though I’m not negating that words can be harmful). We call people right or left wing. Pro or anti. We put people in boxes and then we put those boxes together into groups. Groups we can hate, and groups we can identify with, and in turn, love, accept, tribalize (new word! 😉) and amplify as well.

Our division has been magnified by the echo chambers we surround ourselves in… media, social media, politicians… they all gain from our separation. They love when it bleeds, because it leads. They want your attention. They want our vote. And they are not trying to get it through love and expansion. They are syphoning our energy, turning us against one another and using fear as a funnel.

Do you see how cancel culture maintains these divides? If we’re not safe to explore the nuances of each position, then it will appear as if nuance doesn’t exist. Much like overt censorship gives the illusion of consensus, so does self-censorship. And by silencing ourselves and refusing to explore the complexities of life, views, politics and perspectives, we cancel nuance too.

Think about this: if I want to challenge a policy or thought surrounding cov*d and I’m instantly considered a selfish piece of sh*t who’s an anti-V right-winger, am I likely going to speak up? Probably not.

If I want to maintain love and belonging in my family/community/church/political party (these often all overlap in their ideologies and perceived values), am I likely to challenge a point that would have me potentially lose membership/respect/value in that group? Probably not.

THINK ABOUT HOW COMMON THESE CONSEQUENCES ARE!

Belonging has been weaponized against us for far too long.

Not only have we been through a collective trauma with fear rammed into our souls and nervous systems over the last three years (and still counting), the media (and social media) monetize our attention… and the best way to get our attention? Make us enraged. Exploit our dopamine. Exploit our group ideologies. Pit us against one another. Jack our nervous systems.

I’m tired of a culture that can’t hold space for dialogue. I’m tired of witnessing families and communities split further and further apart while the only people who benefit from our separation are those that make money from it.

Our culture is OUR responsibility. When cancel culture exists, it’s because we allow it. When there is no nuance tolerated in our culture, it means we don’t allow it in ourselves. It means we don’t tolerate it in others. If making mistakes leads to exile, most of us will present as if we don’t make mistakes.

Our internal dialogue will shift to questions like… What if I make a mistake? What if I say the wrong thing? What if someone misinterprets me and the mob comes after me? Will they have grace? Will they have love? Will they hear me out? Will they invite me to learn? Or will they invite me to burn? 🔥

We will present as virtuous. And in the research on virtuosity (and victimhood—which I cover in this podcast), those who identify as “virtuous” are more likely to lie. Why? Because they’re more concerned with “appearing” virtuous, than being virtuous. They’re more concerned with staying out of the crosshairs and in turn they’re more vigilant about putting other people in those crosshairs.

Think about that… Those that desire to be seen as good, will act in not good ways to make sure they maintain their identity. WOW. In order to not have people look too much in our direction, we point to the faults and misdeeds of others.

But we must remember, when we deny another’s humanity, we deny our own.

Cancel culture gives annihilating powers to victims. And while those of us who have been victimised deserve to have a voice and to have a culture that has our back and hold those responsible accountable, there are those who have exploited these powers to annihilate any thought, feeling, word, and/or opinion that they don’t like. We have centered our current culture around trying to hurt the least amount of people’s feelings. And if someone’s feelings are hurt, cancel culture has given those people the right to destroy those who hurt their feelings. 

We are a culture terrified of discomfort. Not only have we tried to sanitize our world of any opposing thought or feeling, we’ve also become obsessed with sanitizing our hands and our lives. Convinced germs are out to kill us. Not realizing we are composed of more viruses and bacteria than we can count.

The way we treat our planet and the soil, all to extract MORE and get MORE. What about restoration of the earth?

How we do one thing is how we do everything.

Productive families, cultures and democracies can’t operate in a world that prioritizes feelings over hard conversations. Hard conversations are hard because people’s feelings do get hurt. The best relationships don’t protect us from ever being wounded, they are compassionate towards our wounding and also ask that we heal and grow.

We cannot sustain a world that orients around wounds… because we will always have wounds. We need a world that orients around healing. And I am here for that.

How do we begin to heal?

A quote I recently heard on the latest Lord of The Rings comes to mind as an important reminder:

“It darkens the heart to call dark deeds good.”

Let’s look for where we celebrate dark deeds. Let’s look for where we live and embody them.

Look for the ways you censor yourself in any and every area of your life.

Look for where you are rigid in your beliefs.

Look for how you put people in boxes and label them based on assumptions.

Look for how you identify and label yourself, and if you use “virtue” and/or righteousness to protect your views/ideologies.

Look for how you cancel those you disagree with.

Look within yourself for the parts you have yet to accept and love. We can only condone violence to another when violence lives in our own hearts.

In order to create/manifest this new world, we need to not only get tired of the old one, but also commit to behaving in ways that embody the vision we hold.

We can do this. We can bring nuance back. We can bring dialogue back. And what is required is that we all agree to expanding our capacity to be in uncomfortable conversations and hear views/thoughts/beliefs we don’t necessarily like and/or agree with.

And none of what I’m saying is advocating for people to not be held accountable, or to tolerate BS and forgive everybody for everything without consequence… quite the opposite. What I am saying is that I think we can bring restoration and repair back to our culture and communities. And, in doing so, create a world that celebrates the wisdom gleaned from our mistakes… so that we can integrate that wisdom, instead of repeating the same choices desperate to find a lesson that lives only in the act of restoration.

Through this act of love and generosity— which must start in our own hearts, and then in our own relationships and families— we can cultivate a world where we treat everything that inhabits it with love, compassion, and the expectation of growth and transformation when hurt and/or harm is realized.

As the saying goes, “hurt people, hurt people.” And in turn, “healed people, heal people.”

I’m not saying I know the exact path, but what I do know is that it is possible. We just have to realize it.

Much love,

Mark