Be the first to say "sorry"

That's strength, not weakness.

I remember years ago hearing a great podcast between Brené Brown and Harriet Lerner, where Harriet said that the ability to apologize is built on the bedrock of self worth. That people who can’t and don’t say sorry, don’t do so because they have a low capacity for shame. They have no self worth.

If I’m being honest, and I am… my wife Kylie is usually the first to repair. She takes fierce responsibility for her role in things, and is incredibly courageous in her commitment to speak after a rupture.

I envy it. I’m grateful for her. And, I, in processing this awareness I had about us, commit to taking that brave leap just as often, if not more than her.

Because to be able to repair and apologize first is really saying, “no matter what you choose, I’m going to model love, forgiveness and growth. I’m going to be what you and I set out to be. And us, standing alongside one another, is far more important than letting this thing sit between us.”

I have had a lot of thoughts about how many people on the planet have such a low capacity for shame that they’ll let the most important relationships in their lives slip away. They’ll allow a rupture to fester, and then that lack of care and attention to the relational wound, leads to rupture after rupture, each adding on to one another, until the relationship can no longer bear their lack of accountability.

The one who goes first can only do it for so long before it breaks them. They’ll develop physical symptoms of the weight they carry for the love they’re trying to share, but goes unmet. They keep going out on the bridge hoping to meet in the middle, yet always having to cross the whole way. Resentment builds. Distance forms. Defenses and walls are forged. Intimacy dies.

While the semblance of a relationship might continue to exist, the distance between their hearts could not be further.

I have found myself in the last couple of months waiting for an apology that just never seemed to come. And to be fair, the person who I was thinking and stewing about needing an apology from was likely not even aware of the hurt and pain I was holding. I started to explore that I got to hold the unmet expectation that they should apologize over their head… without them even knowing! (So sly, right?!) I got to create distance and blame them for that distance.

Blaming them felt painfully good. I felt righteous and victimized. I felt misunderstood and treated unfairly.

Yet, if I’m really being honest once again, which I am, I had to come to terms with the fact that, even though I was acting in integrity with my values and self-expression in our previous interactions, that had caused relational strain.

I could see that through their lens of the world, I could’ve hurt them.

While I was stuck in my story, I failed to see my role in theirs.

So, I reached out and apologized. I explained how I understood that what I was saying could’ve landed for them in a way that felt insensitive and inconsiderate to their lens of the world.

Instead of expecting them to cross the bridge, I crossed it. I crossed it because this person matters to me deeply. I crossed it because one cannot wish for what one is not willing to be. I crossed it because love and connection are the healing elixir to the temporary cracking that has to occur to hold shame we didn’t previously have the capacity for. I crossed it because it was scary and felt vulnerable and I want to live a life that models that both of those things are necessary to create epic love and even more epic communities. I crossed it because I knew that on the other side I would be proud of who I am… and that regardless of their response, I knew that I showed up and did what I could.

I felt a weight lift. I felt myself be freed from the prison of my own construction.

I experienced once again, that love is a verb, not a state. And it’s through loving action that we experience loving feelings.

Stop waiting for the other person to go first. Be the first to love, the first to say sorry, the first to reach out.

Life is too short to wait for others so we can live it.

And also, this post is in no way permission to go repair with someone who is abusive and incapable of repair. Apologizing should never be coupled with self-abandonment. Sometimes the greatest transformation is letting go of the need to hear something that will never come. You can cross the bridge to go get them, and to repair what was ruptured, but you can’t always be the one reaching. Because true growth is when we stop reaching towards people who don’t reach back.

We becoming discerning about where we direct our love and life force.

We commit to co-creating the types of relationships, families and communities we say we want.

We align words with actions.

Some important truths:

• Forgiveness is not forgetting or letting someone back into our lives.

• Compassion is not the same as tolerance.

With love,

Mark

P.S. I’m so excited to be speaking on Dec 2nd at The Wellness Oasis in Miami! If you live around there, or want a sunny vacation coupled with an incredible experience, go grab your ticket now.