An Uncensored Experience of My 2022.

With every year that passes I like to write a reflective post about what has transpired and what I’ve learned. Perhaps through reading this you will find some reflections of your own, and I would love to hear in the comments — what have been your greatest lessons and learnings in the past year?

I am continuously in awe of how much we learn through one another and through the courageous act of putting into words what we’re feeling and learning. This process is cathartic. Not only does it benefit those reading our words, it also benefits us as the ones expressing them. Through giving words to thoughts, feelings, pains, and joy, we bring what is inside of us outside. We get to see ourselves. And, we get to be witnessed by others.

Pain especially, is often isolating. It can have a narcissism to it, in that it often is accompanied by thoughts like “No one else will understand. No one has been through what I’ve been through.” And by bringing it outside of ourselves and excising it, other people have it excised too. They see themselves in your wisdom. They are freed because you took the time to free yourself. So, if you feel called, it would be an honour to read your words below. If not, I honour and respect your process. Sometimes nothing needs to be said, it just needs to be felt.

Buckle up, I’m sharing an uncensored experience of my 2022.

I think 2022 has been one for the books for me. I’ve learned so much this year. I’ve felt at some of my lowest. And, honestly, I’ve probably never spent so long suspended in a transformation that is trying to move through me. I was listening to Dr. Joe Dispenza the other day and he was saying that no human can live in a state of uncertainty for long. I really felt this. I have felt like I’ve been living in this uncertainty and unpredictability for a while. And while I would say the pandemic has been a large part of that, I think it’s also been the anger and grief I’ve felt about how a lot of the pandemic has been handled. I felt the pain of having my government in Canada tell my family and friends that I should no longer be invited to events. That I should miss Christmas and Thanksgiving. Some other politicians told me that I was facing a winter of death. That I wasn’t allowed to fly on a plane, or take a plane or a bus. That I couldn’t use restaurants or gyms. That, because I looked at the data, and accessed my risk, and recognized that this medical intervention wasn’t a good fit for me, that I was now considered “anti-vaxx,” a “conspiracy theorist,” “right-winger,” “selfish,” and deserved to have my need for human connection severed. The messaging desired to create solitary confinement for living and free beings so they could pay for their lack of compliance and assimilation. 

I am not those things. I have no judgement of what a human chooses for themselves. And, my love will never have conditions of choice on it. And yet, I have felt the immense psychological and biological cost of those conditions placed upon me. I don’t say this to be a martyr. I recognize that a lot of these behaviours were born from fear. I know that these are the cost of the exploitation of human psychology by public health and politicians and using “nudge” tactics to create desired behaviour changes. All whilst not considering (or weighing the risk/benefit) the cost to families, relationships, communities, and the culture at large. When we weaponize belonging and perceived morality, we will inherently divide people. And that division gets amplified as fear and the language of “othering” gets amplified too.

And I’m not innocent in this. I was angry and shared that anger on my podcast and social media. I felt threatened and hurt. And I was suffering. And I am still angry at the people who engineered the psychological strategies to win an election in Canada at any cost. The liberals maintained the same minority government, and in turn our Canadian society has never been more divided, angry, and a lot of us are now very distrustful of public health and the government. In my honest opinion, they have just become marketing arms of the pharma industry, with no one holding them accountable for mis or dis-information.

I will say though that my naive eyes have been opened. I never thought I’d live in a Canada (or a world) where critically thinking about a pharmaceutical intervention would be considered “anti-science.” I was a pharma rep for 14 years. I have launched and withdrawn many drugs. I know how it works. I know how to successfully create a network of influence to ensure strategic and synchronized marketing. I know how to ensure objections are handled quickly, and remove the credibility of criticisms through strategic messaging. 

I left that world over a decade ago when I dove deeper into the world of relationships. As I studied relationships I began to see the inflammatory impact of emotions and dysfunctional relationships… and the incredible healing benefit of healthy attachment, intimacy, and having a partnership and community where we feel safe to be ourselves. And, that we can create these types of relationships and communities. Not only can we, we must.

And I am committed to that.

I say all of that to say that this upcoming year is a year of building for me. As I listened to Dr. Joe Dispenza I thought to myself, “How many genes have I turned on through chronic fear and stress that I don’t want on in the last 3 years?” And, if I turned them on, I can turn them off. I can also, through the same intensity of love, creation, community, and hope, turn other genes on. I can transform my psychology. I can reclaim my biology. I can dive deeper into love, community and connection with not only my partner, but everyone I come into contact with. I can live a life committed to expansion and possibility. I can hold hope with you.

And so, with all of that said, I want to say sorry. Sorry if your choice felt judged by me. Sorry if my anger made you more angry. I’m sorry if my words created more division.

What I will not apologize for is desiring to understand and find the truth. I will not let critical thinking die. I will not collude with people in throwing their brain in the garbage. I will not be silent to keep the peace. When we are silent because we’re afraid of what people might say or do if we speak out, we are contributing to a culture of silence. We are avoiding conflict on the outside of ourselves, and burying it inside of ourselves. 

2023 is going to be my best year yet. I am feeling revitalized. Recharged. And recalibrated. And, I’m going to be a father. If you want to learn more about that, check out my new episode on the podcast with Kylie here.

I wish you nothing but love, joy and possibility in the closing out of 2022 and the birth of a new year. 

Much love

Mark